chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.