Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
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Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
OKAY DAD
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.