Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
fourth time’s the charm
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.