Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is Hâ‚‚Orse.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.