Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
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If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand