As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
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Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
found this cool rock hiking today
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.