There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
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Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there鈥檚 an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Me: why aren鈥檛 you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don鈥檛 want peas, you wouldn鈥檛 understand
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
huge if true: the moon
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 馃檮馃檮馃槀
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 馃槅
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 馃槀
I鈥檇 remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting