I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
You Might Also Like
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
me opening up to someone
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.