I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
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The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.