My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.