Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
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McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first