what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
dogs can find happiness so easily
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.