Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
You Might Also Like
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
termite twitter scares me
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.