Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
If you love someone, let them sleep.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.