Raisins are grape jerky.
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hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
c’mon!
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
#parenting
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing