To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
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Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805