looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
You Might Also Like
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
(Electricians.)
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it