[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones