If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.