Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I feel seen.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef