KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
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Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought