Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Ape together strong
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
seems fine
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.