You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
You Might Also Like
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.