My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
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The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.