Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
You Might Also Like
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way