Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…