If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Does beer think about me too?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”