I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
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I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.