Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I’m giving up ice.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything