[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
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SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.