Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
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my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?