WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
She puts the hot in psychotic
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.