Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I hate everything
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.