*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”