If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
You Might Also Like
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord