[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
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Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.