*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.