If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
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One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.