Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
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quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number