Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
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*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
it’s the silliest best thing
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Many hands make light work
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I don’t get marriage
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me