There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
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That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
men, we mow at sunrise.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Chemical wingman
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?