If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.