Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
wtf is an acronym
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Discuss
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
#milo
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.