Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.