BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
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Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
The USS B port
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally