me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
screw you
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.