My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.