Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados