just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.