ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
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My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!